Sunday, June 26, 2011

Past, Future, & Present Danger is Now Available, so here's an excerpt!

Click me! Do it, you know you want to.

After a lot of hard work, and frankly enjoyment, Book 2 of The Absurd Misadventures of Captain Rescue is now available.

When Captain Rescue discovers that tyrannical apes are capturing forest-goers, he jumps into action in a valiant attempt to stop them, more or less.

As the hilarious adventure goes everything but according to plan, the hero finds himself transported into the future, where the apes have gone a bit beyond mere abductions. The shock sets in, and Captain Rescue and his time-displaced friends conclude that the only way to prevent a future that has already happened is to go back in time and rewrite it.
Will Captain Rescue somehow be able to set things right, or will these apes make a monkey out of him? 
"Past, Future, & Present Danger" is the hilarious continuation of Captain Rescue’s absurd misadventures, and the sequel to “Not Everything Brainless is Dead”.
Here's the prologue as a means of whetting your whistle! But wait! There's more! Since I know a lot of people still haven't read the first book (Not Everything Brainless is Dead), it's now only 99 cents. But wait! There's EVEN MORE! If you head on over to SMASHWORDS and use the coupon YR36H, you can get it for free!

So, without further ado, the excerpt:

Captain Rescue dangled helplessly as splashing erupted from the churning waters below. As the blood rushed to his head, the hero realized just how many nights he spent hanging upside down like this while his cape tickled the back of his neck. Most of the time, it was due to the antics of a certain super villain, but sometimes, just sometimes, the hero did it to himself—completely by accident. He just happened to get his foot caught, and he just happened to wind up upside down. 
Looking back, Captain Rescue could see how suspicious the ad was. He probably should have thought twice before picking up the handwritten note someone slid underneath his door, but it said free kittens, and Captain Rescue could not resist free kittens. At the time, he thought nothing of it, but when he arrived at the abandoned cat litter factory and someone knocked him over the head, he thought that, in all likelihood, it was a trap. When he woke up and found himself suspended over a pool of who-knows-what, Captain Rescue found those suspicions confirmed. He struggled out of frustration more than an attempt to free himself as the chains above clanged together. The hero swung back and forth, looking first to the water below and then to the factory surrounding him. Before long, he found her standing on a catwalk and looking just as malevolent as ever. 
The super villain laughed. “I am honestly astonished that you fell right into my trap! It was a longshot, but you have proved me wrong yet again, Captain Rescue!”
“But the flier said free kittens…” the hero grumbled. 
“Yes, it was a test to see how easily I could trap you!” 
“Did I pass? 
Dr. Malevolent smiled. “With flying colors.” 
He glanced down just as a large fin emerged from the turbulent waters. “Oh god! Sharks!” Captain Rescue yelped. 
A familiar whistle filled his ears. “Dolphins?! Aren’t… aren’t they naturally docile?” 
“Not these! In fact, they’ve been conditioned to… how do put this is layman’s terms… to bite your face off!” 
Captain Rescue cried out in terror as a dolphin leapt from the water and grabbed hold of his cape. With a sharp jerk, the animal ripped it from its spandex clasps. 
The hero’s eyes began to well up. “But what about the camping trip!? You said you’d go!” 
Dr. Malevolent sighed and slammed her fists against the catwalk railing. “Alright, I’ll make you a deal. If you are somehow able to make it out of my death trap alive, then I will go on this camping trip with you. However, I will probably try to kill you multiple times during it.” 
While still dangling upside down, Captain Rescue grew quiet for a moment as he thought the proposal over. “You have a deal,” he finally said.   
Dr. Malevolent smiled merrily and lightly tapped the shiny red button before her. The pulley system suspending the hero dropped him a foot towards the water. 
“Wait! Wait! Aren’t you at least going to tell me about your evil plans of evilness?” 
Dr. Malevolent appeared confused. “This is it. You are my plan. I spent six months out at sea capturing and conditioning dolphins to kill you. I gave you that ad to lure you to this factory, and I had Boris here whack you over the head with a metal pipe so we could string you up and feed you to them.” 
Captain Rescue nodded. “I did think there was something suspicious about free kittens at an abandoned factory.” 
“Don’t lie, you just expected free kittens, and now you’re disappointed there aren’t any.” 
“Wow,” he stammered, “you know me so well.”  
“Too well.” 
As Dr. Malevolent pressed the button once more, Captain Rescue fell another foot closer to the increasingly turbulent water. As he squirmed and twisted, the hero realized he did not have the flexibility to slide his hands out of the taut rope or the strength to rip them free, but his utility belt did, and it just so happened that Dr. Malevolent left it wrapped around his waist. Captain Rescue slammed his knuckles against the belt and a sharp razor blade shot out. He quickly sliced through the rope—as well as piece of his hand—and the bonds tumbled into the pool below. 
Her right hand man reached for the button to release Captain Rescue, but Dr. Malevolent stopped him. “No, let’s watch him struggle a little, Boris.” 
“For starters, that’s not even your real name. Besides, I have enough trouble calling you Charlie when you’re wearing that stupid damned bunny outfit. I’m not doing it when you’re not.” 
“But your name isn’t even Dr. Malevolent,” he pouted. 
“Just shut up and watch the show,” she answered irritably. 
Captain Rescue took a deep breath and gazed at his feet high above him. The hero mustered all his strength, reached up, and then tried to pull himself to his ankles, but it was harder than it sounded. He still had a hard time wrapping his head around how much physical labor was required to do this crime-fighting thing. The hero tried once more; this time he managed to grab hold of the rope around his ankles and was able to hoist himself up. Feeling accomplished, Captain Rescue hastily untied his feet and slipped them free of their binds. Immediately—and quite strangely—the pulley system started to shrink rapidly and the hero hadn’t the foggiest clue why. Milliseconds later, he splashed back first into the pool and faded underneath the churning waters. 
Dr. Malevolent leapt into the air, cheering as if she had won the lottery, and then gripped the railing in excitement. The super villain leaned over and watched as Captain Rescue’s head bobbed in and out of the water screaming for help. She couldn’t wait to fish whatever was left of him out of the water so she could string it up at her evil headquarters for all her evil friends to admire. She slapped Boris’s shoulder and laughed, and then the two scurried down from the catwalk to get a better look at the pool. 
“Go get that ladder,” She ordered while jumping up and down to catch a glimpse of the water’s surface. 
While Boris darted off, Dr. Malevolent stayed near the pool waiting for it to fill with blood, but as the seconds ticked by, the turbulence faded without any signs of that lovely color. Just when the super villain began to think that perhaps Captain Rescue had magically disappeared, a hand broke the surface of the water and gripped the rim of the pool. She let out a startled screech as a drenched lump tumbled over the edge and collapsed against the ground below like a wet washcloth. A trio of dolphins stuck their heads out of the pool and whistled with glee. The hero’s suit was in tatters, but aside from a few bumps and bruises, he appeared unscathed. 
“What!” Dr. Malevolent yelled, “They didn’t kill you?!” 
Captain Rescue shivered. “No, they didn’t seem too interested in killing me.” 
“Then what on earth happened in there?” 
“I’d really rather not talk about it.” 
Captain Rescue stumbled to his feet as Boris came running up with a ladder in his hands. While ringing the water from his spandex, the hero glared at the two of them. Boris dropped the ladder, which clattered against the ground, and grabbed the same pipe he used to subdue the hero in the first place. He took Captain Rescue by the collar and lifted him from the ground. With the hero in one hand and the pipe in the other, Boris smiled. 
“You don’t want to do that!” the hero argued. 
“And why not?” 
“I’d be forced to do this!” Captain Rescue shouted. 
In the blink of an eye, the hero dove into his utility belt, grabbed a small vial filled with a red liquid, and splashed it into Boris’s eyes. The henchman immediately released his grip of both the metal pipe and the hero. The latter of which fell his knees and then slowly got to his feet. With a wicked smirk, the hero watched as Boris stumbled backwards rubbing his sore eyes. While the henchman was still stunned, Captain Rescue grabbed the pipe off the ground and marched across the factory floor as the hunk of metal scraped across the ground with an ear-piercing shriek. 
“What the…” Boris moaned, “What did you put in my eyes?” 
Captain Rescue lifted the pipe and pulled it back. “Hot sauce!” the hero cried as he cracked Boris upside the head. 
The henchman spun around and fell over, revealing Dr. Malevolent cowering behind him. Captain Rescue walked towards her while tapping his palm with the metal pipe. 
She took a step back. “Uh, there’s no need to resort to violence.” 
He continued his advance without saying a word. 
“It was nothing personal—really—I was just doing my job.”
Captain Rescue stopped, his nose almost touching hers, and continued to tap the metal rod against his palm. 
“Uh… I’m sorry.” 
“So,” the hero finally spoke, “camping trip, are you in?” 
Dr. Malevolent sighed. “Sure, fine, whatever. Just don’t beat me.” 
Captain Rescue dropped the pipe, grinned, and gave the super villain a hug.


  1. rofl! Completely off the wall. *scampers off to get first book...*

  2. Very interesting and I mean that in a good way.